First Mission
by ExtremeRainbowRaiderPrincess
Summary: A new Turk joins the rank, old ones return as well, and this is her first adventure, along with missions for others. Includes returns of SOLDIERS as well. Good chunk of it is AU. A few pairings. No yaoi.
1. Chapter One: Outrageous Order

**First Mission.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Don't sue! I only own Andrea, the rest belong to their respected owners and such. Not me, I ONLY OWN ANDREA! And myself…**

_Summary… Um… It's gonna be a short story, four chapters at most. The theme? A new Turk joins the rank, old ones return as well, and this is her first adventure. Includes returns of SOLDIERS as well. Good chunk of it is AU. Andrea is an OC- Not a Mary Sue- She can barely cook, is terrified of some things, is not drop-dead gorgeous, has a normal hair and eye color, no super powers, has recently broken up with her boyfriend, and has a regular name. Andrea Maria Tallon. Happy?_

**Chapter One: Outrageous Order.**

* * *

It was Tuesday. Normally nothing happened on Tuesday for the Turks; you'd think something would happen since they work for ShinRa, but nothing ever does.

Currently Reno was drinking coffee, his feet propped up on his desk, while Rude played some chess online with a guy God-knows-where. Elena was filing papers, what else, Tseng was finishing a report, and Vincent and Cissnei- VINCENT AND CISSNEI?!

Reno spit his coffee out and glared at the ceiling. "What the heck?"

_Sorry._

"ERRP's muses have run away, so we are left at her mercy." Rude said.

_I have a new muse so… Be silent at that! HAH!_

Rude stayed silent as he returned to the chess match.

_He does that a lot, doesn't he?_

"Yeah, but you'll get used to it." Reno said, sipping his coffee before Cissnei entered the room. He glared at the ceiling again. "And why do we have the crazy Turk and the dangerous Turk returning?"

_Because Cissnei has a right and Vincent can torture you now._

"Aw, yo, that's not cool!" Reno said, pouting.

"Why did you call me crazy?" Cissnei growled, tossing a file on his desk.

"I meant Vincent. You're dangerous." He said, not seeing the two tall, black haired men in the doorway.

"You're going to pay for that I suspect Reno." Tseng said before nodding at Cissnei. "I'll show you to you're office. You'll be sharing one with Elena. Vincent- You'll be sharing one with the newest recruit Andrea." He led them away as Rude and Reno exchanged looks.

"That has to be a new record: Four female Turks at once. Quick, mark this down!" Reno said before he started typing furiously. Rude typed in a short entry, much like his spoken sentences, before signing off the computer and standing.

"Come. Almost time for the meeting." Rude said before leaving.

Reno rolled his eyes and muttered something before following.

_Heh heh heh. Now I can finally laugh like the strange author I am._

"We can still hear you y'know!" Reno shouted.

_Darn it._

* * *

_Somewhere in an office over the Turk floor…_

"Hey Angeal, why is there italicized and underlined writing over our heads?" Zack asked Angeal as they sat around a large oblong table.

"Though the morrow may be barren of promises, nothing shall forestall my return." Genesis said.

Zack poked at the writing over their heads with his sword and the writing disappeared as Angeal hit his forehead. Why was he so lucky to be surrounded by idiots?

As Zack put his sword back in the sheath on his back, Sephiroth entered, slamming the door to the conference room shut on Hojo's face before taking a seat. "Angeal, why is Mr. Fair staring at the ceiling?" He asked, flipping his hair over the back of the chair. Now if he didn't move the chair- At all- He wouldn't get hurt.

"Because Extreme forgot to have us ignore the italics." Angeal said wearily.

_Watch it. I know of ways of making you an idiot without the usage of many words._

Genesis smiled up at the ceiling. "I take it you are granting your favor on me first?"

_Don't make that sound so perverted. And yes, I am going easy on you, this time, in the first Final Fantasy VII I've posted._

"I am honored."

_Don't be- I already have plans for the rest of the group too. Angeal, do you look better in a tux or a suit like the Turks- Not Reno's suit though._

"I choose not to answer that."

_Curse it to Wutai…_

"Ahem. If we may get to business…" Sephiroth said, shooting a glare at the author.

_Yes, yes, yes. But be warned Sephy-_

He winced, barely, but he did wince.

_-You get payback soon. Hah!_

"…As I was saying." He shot the ceiling one last glare before looking at the papers in front of him. "I have in front of me our latest orders- Let's try to not make fools of ourselves, understood?" He got nods before he looked at the ceiling. "Did you have something to do with these orders?"

_Why would I bother your bosses? They're boring and quite frankly next to impossible to harass. And Hojo kept trying to get at my muses to test something on them, it was glowing and pink, so I keep my distance._

He shook his head before looking at the orders again. "We are ordered to…" He paled and handed them to Angeal as if they were on fire.

Angeal frowned before handing them to Zack, who read through them twice, before handing them to Cloud, who read them as quickly as humanly possible then practically threw them at Genesis. Genesis read through them, frowned, before handing them back to Sephiroth, who massaged his right temple.

"Are you sure Extreme didn't do something?" Zack asked slowly.

_That hurt Zack. And what are the orders?_

Cloud grabbed the papers quickly and held them at the ceiling.

…_Good grief, who is so low, so evil, so cruel-_

"Hojo." They answered in unison.

_He's too evil for this. As I was saying: Who would do this to you guys?_

"Hojo." They said again.

_Hmm…_

"Run!" Cloud yelped as they fled the room.

_Knew there was a reason why Vincent and I get along._

* * *

_In the Turk meeting… Italics and underlines invisible…_

"Today we have new orders." Tseng said, acknowledging the sheets of paper in front of the Turks gathered around the round table. "Read them over and then follow them. Do not take these lightly- Extreme has nothing to do with the orders this time so we are not guarantied safety on the missions."

_Plus side to being the author Tseng: I can get you guys out of sticky situations._

"Don't remind me about the chocolate factory!" Reno groaned, slapping his forehead.

_Sorry._

"This time Extreme you have a job as well: You are to keep an eye on Hojo and the rest of our superiors. If they start to do anything, use your powers to stop them." Tseng explained.

_Works for me._

"Um… No offense Ma'am but what are you?" Andrea asked, seated between Elena and Vincent.

_ExtremeRainbowRaiderPrincess- Call me Extreme, Rainbow, ERRP, you get the picture. I am, how do I put this… A spy!_

Tseng sighed as he rubbed his forehead. "We've been over this Extreme, you are not a spy."

_I know, but I want to be one._

"Go do your job." Tseng said, closing his eyes.

_I'll do you one-up._

* * *

_Somewhere wherever the superiors are…_

_Scarlet, Hojo thinks you're fat!_

"WHAT?!" Scarlet shrieked, making Hojo glare at the ceiling.

"You will pay for this." He growled, shaking a fist.

ZAP!

"CLUCK!"

There in Hojo's chair was a pink chicken with glasses on.

_Anyone else want to be a pink animal?_

"I prefer red." Scarlet said disdainfully as she crossed her arms.

ZAP!

A pink pig in a red dress sat where Scarlet had.

_The next person to try something gets turned into something even more embarrassing._

The whole room paled at the author's threat.

* * *

_Back in the Turk meeting room, writing invisible once more._

"With Extreme off doing whatever it is Extreme does," Tseng said, done rubbing his forehead, "I think we should all get moving."

There was a collective sound of chairs scrapping across the floor as everyone stood before fleeing the room- Vincent, Rude, and Tseng included.

Soon the teams went their separate ways, all with important missions, unbeknownst to them missions that ran parallel to the missions that several SOLDIERS were on.

* * *

_Oh… What are the missions? And will Extreme (Me) ever change Hojo and Scarlet back? You'll just have to keep reading. If you review, that's fine, if not, that's fine as well. As long as you enjoy the fic I'm happy. Yes, I am a nice person. No, I do not use it to get stuff out of people._


	2. Chapter Two: Good Grief Turks

**

* * *

**

DISCLAIMER: I only own Andrea and myself- The rest belong to their respected owners. Again, aside from Andrea and myself, I own nothing, not a single thing; so don't sue thinking I do, 'cause I don't.

_A/N (Author's Note for those who didn't know): Yes, another chapter. Four, maybe five chapters at the most, but this is just the beginning. Yes, you heard me._

**Chapter Two: Good Grief/Turks.**

* * *

_Somewhere outside of the Turk/SOLDIER building… Titles still invisible…_

"So what exactly are we doing?" Andrea asked, hands in her pants pockets as she walked alongside Vincent.

"You read the orders, right?" Vincent asked, barely glancing at her.

Andrea sighed before nodding. "Yeah, I did. But it's… Wrong, I mean, I'll do a lot of things for work, but this?"

"Welcome to ShinRa and the Turks." Vincent said.

Andrea sighed before they reached their target: The public library. "So how many books is Rufus accused of stealing again?"

"371 Fiction. 4 nonfiction." Vincent said as they stared up at the building, two stone Chocobo statues guarding either side of steps leading up to the doors into the library.

"I didn't know Rufus even knew how to read." Andrea muttered under her breath.

Vincent smirked a little before dropping it. "Yes, he does."

They climbed the steps and went inside, splitting up once they were in the door. A supposed witness was in the library and was willing to tell everything they knew, and stay quiet about it, for an unknown price. Their mission: Find the witness and pay them off, also finding out what they could.

Andrea, after taking her tie off and wrapping it around her head like a headband, worked her way across the first floor, starting with the children's section.

She moved carefully throw the main area with the children's books and toys, careful not to step on any toys while scanning the area for any suspicious characters. A woman sat with a little boy and a little girl in a corner, reading to them, while a silver-haired woman slowly flipped through a picture book.

Andrea raised an eyebrow. The woman to looked to be at least 18, so why was no one worried why she was flipping through a picture book in the children's section?

_Probably just getting books for a niece, nephew, or younger sibling, or waiting for someone,_ She reasoned as she looked at the floor before leaving the reading area and heading for a closed door. Making sure it wasn't a bathroom door; she opened it and looked inside. Four children, ten at the oldest, sat in front of a TV explaining trigonometry, staring at it in complete interest while occasionally glancing at notebooks in their hands, writing things down.

"Strange…" She mutters. Suddenly registering whose face is on the TV screen, she got out and shut the door quietly before shuddering. Who knew Hojo taught trigonometry?

* * *

Meanwhile, in another part of the city, Reno and Cissnei trooped down the sidewalk, Cissnei not saying anything, even while Reno made snide remarks about everything around them- Except for her.

"He's gotta be one chili cheese dog away from a heart attack. She's cheating on her husband. He's planning on dumping his girlfriend for a slut. She IS the slut. She's the near-slut. He's a lying scumbag with two kids at home." Reno rattled off things about everyone he saw.

Cissnei stifled a smile as Reno shook his head in disgust. "What's wrong with people these days? They make us look normal. Of course, we're cooler than them, and better paid, but they make us look normal. Kinda nice actually…"

Cissnei was surprised by his words. "What? The Great Reno actually liking the thought of being normal? I think I hear hell freezing over." She said, smirking straight ahead.

"Yeah, yeah, laugh it up." Reno said sarcastically. "And while you're at it poke fun at my hair."

"#1: We're both redheads so the argument is a waist of time, #2: You have a point there. It's nice to be normal for even a couple of minutes." Cissnei stopped. Had she just agreed with Reno?!

Reno hadn't missed it either. He wrapped an arm around her shoulders and pulled her along, smirking the entire time. "I knew there was a reason I missed ya' babe. Welcome back."

Cissnei rolled her eyes but didn't push him away, and Reno grinned. Cissnei had changed- For the better to him.

They reached their destination and Reno let go, arming himself with his Electro-Mag, slapping the non-charged part into the palm of his hand several times. "Let's do this." He said, becoming serious before turning to Cissnei, who nodded, calm to him. In reality her heart was skipping a couple of beats as they approached the building.

Nothing scarier than a lost package that was for Rufus ShinRa.

* * *

Rude, for once, got a solo mission. And it was an easy one.

NOT! Really- You think a humor writer would make it easy?

Rude peered around the corner of the building, staring through the glass doors, before leaning back and shuddering. Hell on earth, and then some, was just inside those double glass doors, but Tseng had chosen him for a reason for this mission: He could, and would, keep his calm and succeed.

Smoothing his tie, he turned and strolled through the open doors, keeping his calm as he approached the desk marked 1. "Excuse me but-"

"Name?" The woman asked shrilly, the glass paperweight next to her cracking.

Eyeing the paperweight, he removed the envelope from his suit and handed it to her.

She sighed and ripped open, reading the letter inside, before looking up at him. "Are you Mr. ShinRa?"

"Er- No. I'm his…" He thought quickly. "Assistant." Yeah right.

She believed it though, as she handed him a clipboard. "Sign here, take the form there, have her stamp there, pay that fine, then sign there, there, there, there, and there." She moved so fast Rude barely caught what she was pointing at before the clipboard was thrown at him.

Holding the clipboard, he went over to a ridiculously high table, void of any and all pens or pencils, and removed a pen from his suit coat only to read on the clipboard, in very fine and tiny print: _Pencil only._

For the first time since he joined the Turks, Rude felt like giving up.

* * *

Tseng and Elena up at the building in horror. No, it wasn't a hideous building or an ominous one- It was what lived inside that building was what frightened them, for inside lived the worst thing the two Turks had faced in years, since Kadaj and his gang…

A dentist office.

Rufus was having them meet him there, since he needed a root canal, new fillings, and suspected he needed a retainer, and since he was going to be unconscious he wanted two of his best Turks there.

Hence Tseng and Elena.

"Sir, are we really prepared for this?" Elena asked as they both made sure their guns were loaded before slipping them back into their holsters.

"We're Turks, of course we are… Mostly." He said before looking at Elena, who stared into his brown eyes…

"Ah, there you two are." Rufus said, ruining the moment. "Well, I don't have all day. Let's go." He reentered the building, the Turks following hesitantly.

After an incident last year where Rufus escaped the dentist office with a canister of laughing glass the dentist staff, the dentist himself, and security were terrified of Rufus and would work as quickly as they could to get him out of the building.

They reached the waiting area and took seats while Rufus was escorted to the room, chatting amicably with the dental hygienist… Who for once was old enough to be someone's grandmother.

Elena grabbed a nearby magazine and started flipping through, reading the latest celebrity gossip while Tseng kept his eyes open. Something didn't feel right…

* * *

Back at the library, Vincent had a very bad feeling. Number One he swore he just caught sight of Cid reading a fashion magazine, and Number Two he could have sworn he saw a flash of red- And since he wasn't wearing his cloak, the Turk uniform didn't permit it, and it wasn't a trick of light, that meant one thing: Genesis.

Scowling, he started prowling the shelves. It was a very bad sign when one of SOLDIER was at the library… Possibly reading nonetheless. They were the pretty boys who just dinged someone over the head with their swords and then called it a day. And besides, Genesis always had a copy of Loveless on him, so why would he want to read anything else?

Vincent slowly worked his way across the second floor for a second time, noting that there were only two college students wearing headphones with blaring rock music while they read and a man reading a newspaper on that level, making him suspicious.

He decided that it was time to find out who was behind the newspaper and stealthily passed the students before passing the man with the newspaper, noting the red leather gloves and duster.

Genesis.

* * *

Andrea raised her eyebrow at the two college students. Did they know that everyone on the second floor could hear their music?

Shaking her head, she looked around for Vincent, still a little shaken-up after seeing Hojo teach children trig.

_Where… There._ She frowned as she saw him exchange words with a man in a red duster, the two obviously having issues with each other.

As she was about to head over there her PHS started vibrating and she ducked into a row before answering. "Andrea." She answered in a whisper.

"Andrea? Good grief what is going on?" Reeve asked in a worried voice.

Andrea rolled her eyes. "If you mean what the mysterious voice was- That's ERRP. I don't know what they are."

"No, not that. Why is a pink chicken with glasses and a pig in a red dress at my office door, clucking and snorting like they're possessed?" If she could see him, she'd find him to have barricaded himself behind his desk, a file cabinet pushed against the door.

"I have no idea." She said, looking out to find Vincent and the man in red glaring at each other. "Listen, Reeve, I'm going to have to call you back." She snapped her phone shut at his babbling worries.

She pocketed the PHS before taking quick steps towards Vincent. This wasn't going to end well…

* * *

What? You think the awesome ERRP was going to leave Reeve to deal with Chicken, not even a Rooster, Hojo and Pig Scarlet?

* * *

Reeve eyed the door as he sat behind his desk, Chicken Hojo and Pig Scarlet clucking and snorting at the door as he armed himself with a squirt bottle of water he usually used on his Bonsai Tree.

Grabbing his desk phone, he called Tseng, hoping for some help.

"Reeve? Something wrong?" Tseng asked as it grew suspiciously on the other side of the door.

"Something happened- A pink chicken and a pig in a red dress are at my office door, demanding that I let them in I think!" Reeve said as a crash sounded, Hojo and Scarlet evidently trying to break their way in. Of course, he didn't know it was those two.

Tseng sighed. "I expected this from Reno, maybe even Andrea, but you? Reeve, I'm disappointed."

"What?! No! I have not been drinking!" Reeve objected as the pig and chicken crashed into the door again. "Tseng! Help me!"

"Look, I'll contact the ShinRa psychiatrist for you- You'll get in there as soon as they can fit you in." Tseng said slowly.

"What?! No, no! Reeve listen!" He held the phone out as the pig and the chicken started clucking and snorting again. He put the phone back to his ear. "Did you hear them?"

He could practically hear Tseng raise an eyebrow before shaking his head. "Call Hojo- Probably just two of his experiments got loose."

"But-" As he tried to say something more, Tseng hung up, leaving Reeve staring at the phone, feeling like crying, before dialing Hojo's number begrudgingly.

* * *

_Bet you thought I was going to forget about Hojo and Scarlet, huh? Nope! Heh, heh. I will now only be mentioned in passing in the fic, if even that much. Can't wait until I've put another chapter up!_


	3. Chapter Three: Finally, An Update

**_DISCLAIMER: I'll save you the trouble of yelling at me. I own the OC's and nothing else. And I own ERRP, which is me. One last thing I own: W.A.P. Everything else belongs to its respected owners._**

**_Thank you MysticGypsyGirl and Noah the Devil Huntress for the reviews and thank you to those who have this story on alert. I wouldn't be updating this fic if it weren't for you guys._**

**_Chapter Three: Finally, An Update._**

* * *

Sephiroth entered the DMV with the sunlight reflecting off his silver, not gray, hair. Women stared, men glared, children watched in awe, and one Turk ignored him.

Gliding, for that was the only way to describe his walk, over to the main desk, he stared at the woman behind it with his green-blue cats eyes.

"Good afternoon, I am-" He started.

"General Sephiroth, yeah, yeah, I know." The woman, whose shrill voice was bad enough Sephiroth's ears hurt, said. "Whadya want?"

He frowned. How dare she talk down to him, but he kept his calm. "I need to-"

"Take your car off the road because it's been totaled, yeah, yeah, I know that too." She snapped, making him clench his jaw. "Sign here, here, here, put an 'X' there, sign there, there, there, and there and then take it to Sally." She pointed at an alarming speed at everything before tossing the papers at him.

Catching them, he growled before stalking over to the available space next to Rude, ignoring the quiet Turk. SOLDIER had a running bet as to who was quieter- Rude, Vincent, or Tseng. His money was on Vincent.

He removed a pen from his silver duster and was about to start filling the form out when Rude spoke, surprising him slightly.

"Pencil only." Rude said.

Sephiroth turned his cold gaze on Rude. "Excuse me?" He asked, raising an eyebrow.

Rude nodded at the forms in front of Sephiroth. "Pencil only." He repeated before returning to his own forms.

Sephiroth sighed, replacing his pen before looking around. The only pencil in sight was the one Rude held and he was not going to stoop as low as to ask a Turk if he could borrow their pencil.

Looks like Rude wasn't the only one having an odd day.

The great General Sephiroth, though, wasn't going to ask to borrow Rude's pencil.

SWIPE!

With cat-like reflexes, he stole it away.

Rude's eyes widened as he stared at his empty hands before looking at Sephiroth. The tall, silver haired general was writing with the pencil Rude had written with only seconds before. Hadn't the man ever heard of _asking_?!

"May I have the pencil back?" Rude asked.

"No." Sephiroth growled, filling out one of ten forms.

Rude sighed. "May I _please_ have the pencil back?" He asked, more than a little annoyed.

Sephiroth looked up, his blue-green cat eyes narrowing. "_No_." He growled once more, returning to the paperwork.

Rude removed his sunglasses as people began backing away.

"Give me the pencil…" Sephiroth looked up as Rude growled, "…Or else."

Sephiroth raised an eyebrow. "Or you'll do wha-" Rude gave a warrior's cry before lunging at Sephiroth, everyone but two dopey college students and the women who worked their clearing out.

Sephiroth held the pencil over his head as he dodged Rude; the bald Turk growling every time Sephiroth avoided him.

**BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!**

Sephiroth dropped the pencil as he covered his ears. That was the downside of having Mako-enhanced hearing.

Rude, used to Reno and the loud music he would play at his desk/in the car, caught the pencil before scrambling over to his forms, filing them out at an alarming speed.

The woman perched on top of the counter, wielding an air horn, grinned proudly, her coworkers cheering her on, before the really rude woman from earlier spoke again.

"SILENCE!" She roared.

That paperweight from earlier? It shattered as the woman with the air horn hopped off the counter and scrambled back to her seat while people who still had forms to fill out slunk back into the building and over to their paperwork. And Sephiroth? Well…

He glared at Rude as he returned to the table, drumming his fingers impatiently as the Turk filled out his forms before hurrying away. Sephiroth scowled before removing his cell phone from his duster and calling someone.

_Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees?_ ERRP asks as crashing is heard in the background.

"I did not know you responded to phone calls." Sephiroth said flatly.

_Phone calls, texts, pages, e-mails, new forum posts…_ She rambled as Sephiroth. Annoying author. Why must she have a phone to begin with? _What's up?_

"I need a favor…" He started.

A mug full of pencils landed in front of him.

_There ya' go._ She said cheerfully.

Rude returned with more forums, dealing with them as quickly as he could.

Sephiroth sighed. "Not the favor I was asking for. I need you to-"

_Take the pencil away from Rude? Aw, but I don't want to. He's one of the few characters I don't have to keep an eye on… Unlike Reno…_

"I would be in your debt if you did so." Sephiroth said charmingly.

_Well…_ He cringed, more than just slightly this time. People gasped before taking pictures. It wasn't often that the great General Sephiroth cringed. _Under one condition…_

He rubbed his forehead with his free hand. "What is it?" He asked with a sigh.

More crashing was heard. _Would you mind straying from the script?_

"You mean the one where I become evil? Not at all. Consider it done." He said.

_Yay! No evil Sephiroth now!_ She shouted before hanging up.

Sephiroth muttered something about having to keep ERRP away from sugar before snapping his phone shut.

There was the sudden jingle of metal bangles before the pencil appeared, floating, in front of Sephiroth.

Rude looked at his hand, the pencil gone, before looking at Sephiroth. And Sephiroth had the pencil again.

Rude's eyes narrowed. This meant war.

* * *

Hojo and Scarlet were in the hall outside of Reeve's office, devising a plan to get into the office. For some reason they had gotten it through their heads that Reeve could help them turn back into humans.

…_And then we turn him into a cow! Bwahahahahahahahaha! _Hojo telepathically cackled. ERRP had forgotten to make sure that they couldn't speak to each other.

Scarlet frowned. Well, frowned as well as a pig could. _And how would that help us?! Idiot._ She thought with a disgusted shake of her head and a snort.

Hojo clucked like a chicken, shaking his head. _You don't understand. We turn him into the cow, and then… WE TAKE OVER THE WORLD! Bwahahahahahahahaha!_ Hojo started cackling again.

Scarlet sneered at him. _You're an idiot. I've got a better plan that would both allow us to return to human form and to take over the world._

Hojo stopped cackling and turned to her, his eyes as wide as they could get while he was in rooster form. _Really? Do tell._

Scarlet, somehow, grinned evilly.

* * *

Lazard walked down the hall, whistling as he carried a teacup and a saucer in one hand, having just made himself tea, while he held a magazine in his other hand.

"Ah, peace and quiet. The Turks must be away on a mission." He said with a dreamy sigh.

He entered his office, kicking the door shut, before going over to his desk and putting his tea down. He took a seat in his chair behind the desk before he opened the magazine to the article on Sephiroth. The main question? How does he keep his hair so perfect?

A snort sounded as Lazard looked up. "Who's there?" He asked.

A sinister clucking sounded before a pig in a red dress walked out of a shadow-covered corner, a pink rooster with glasses walking next to it.

Lazard sighed. "I told Mr. Fair not to bring anymore animals into the building, but does he listen? Nooooooooo." He said with a roll of his eyes before standing and going to the door. "Out you go," he said, opening the door.

The pig seemed to laugh while the rooster grinned sinisterly.

"Oh I know what you two are thinking: How does someone as good-looking as I keep my calm?" Lazard said, startling them. "Well I'll tell you my secret." He looked into the hallway before closing the door and whispering, "I own a farm." How that had anything to do with keeping calm will forever remain a mystery- Unless ERRP thinks of something.

The pig's eyes widened while the rooster stayed silent before they both burst into laughter.

Lazard sighed. "I knew it: You two were raised by Hojo. The annoying little old man needs to learn that W.A.P. is after him."

The rooster stopped laughing, while the pig laughed even more, at the mention of Wutai's Animal Police. W.A.P. was a secret organization rumored to be run by a German shepherd, a gorilla, a giraffe, and a hamster. The rumor was also that when they tried to have the fourth member be a gerbil they found that gerbil's were better lawyer's than law enforcement officers.

"Don't worry my darlings!" Lazard cried, falling to his knees and hugging them close. "I'm going to take you away from this awful city and bring you to the quiet, peaceful, happy countryside where you can be freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"

The pig started to panic while the rooster seemed to lecture Lazard.

"I know- But I'll make sure Hojo will never find you! Don't worry! We'll fly you both out of here tonight!" He pat the pig's side before stopping. "Oh dear, you're too thin." He shook his head. "That won't do at all. Don't worry- You'll get fatter once we get you to the farm."

The panicked pig backed out of the hug before it started running in circles around the office. The rooster hopped away, somehow getting up to Lazard's desk before walking over to the phone. It knocked the receiver onto the desk before pecking the buttons, calling someone.

"Oh no you don't," Lazard said, hanging to phone up much to the rooster's annoyance. "You're not going to say goodbye to Hojo. That's a bad idea."

The rooster started jumping up and down, yelling something.

Lazard smiled. "I knew you would be happy."

The pig crashed into a bookshelf, breaking the bottom shelves, before running around again.

Lazard winced. "Hmm… Looks like you two don't like to fly." He thought for a moment before brightening. "I know! We'll take a road trip! Just the three of us!"

The rooster and pig exchanged horrified looks as Lazard started pacing, voicing his opinions on what car they should take, what snacks they should bring, and should he invite a member of SOLDIER.

Hojo growled while Scarlet sighed in despair. Looks like they were in big trouble. They were getting sent away to a farm…

…Wait- That's a good thing that they're getting sent away to a farm. Maybe they'll finally leave everyone alone!

* * *

_**Well after a couple months of being on hiatus for this story I'm back with an update. I'm so sorry that it took me this long to update, and I'm going to try not to do that again. Review if you want to, thank you if you do, but you don't have to.**_


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